Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
