If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
