I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
