I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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