ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
