i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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