Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
