If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
