I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize