sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
