i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
