Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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