Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
