We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
