I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
