awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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