yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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