Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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