2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
