I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
