Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
