Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Less talking, more tequila
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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