My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
