Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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