who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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