Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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