I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
