I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
