You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
