All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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