So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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