I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize