I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
COCAINE IS GR8
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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