If i come over, it means nothing
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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