Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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