The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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