Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
