apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
