Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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