My first STD was from a foam party
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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