I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
