whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
