sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
