where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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