but the lizard people decide everything anyway
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
