Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
