Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
