having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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