If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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