I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
