i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
