Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
