I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
