just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
