I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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