Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize