I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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