Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
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