I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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