Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You're like the curious george of whores
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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