Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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