He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
