i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize