using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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