Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
